THE MIKE BURKE CHRONICLES
OH, HOW I HATE DATING!
There is nothing I hate more than asking a woman out. It is by far the most awkward thing I could possibly do. I would rather stick my head into a very large pot filled with icy cold tomato sauce then to go through this horrible process.
A few years ago I pretty much gave up. The last woman went completely nuts on me. At first she was kind, sweet, generous, very funny, and remarkably beautiful. I asked her out, she said yes, a year later she still could not settle on a time. She spent the proceeding year flirting with me. Finally I had the perfect opportunity for an actual date, a music concert! Billy Joel and Elton John together in concert. Great! What a great first date this would make. Just days before the concert she backed out. Okay, she’s not ready. I wish she had told me sooner but I wasn’t going to get angry, I was, however, a little disappointed.. Now flash forward to just a few days later and I don’t know what happened but she snapped. Suddenly I was looking at the Devil himself. She became extremely hostile, very difficult, mean, obnoxious, rude, full of anger, and would insult me. To her friends she would make rude comments about me. I was in shock by this behavior. I had never seen a person unravel like this and so quickly. That was when I had enough. No more. I pretty much told her I never wanted to talk or look at her again. She was so twisted that I could no longer see the beauty, only beast. I was now through with dating and seeking out the right woman.
I have never been a guy who likes to date one woman after another. I am looking for that one special woman. If I find that right person then I want to stay with her. Now the pig inside me, that lives within all men, would love to date hundreds of hot women and really live it up. I however can not do this. I have been implanted with that damn thing called morals. Thanks Mom and Dad! Really, thanks for nothing! I would like to commit to one woman. Getting to that woman is not easy.
It all starts with attraction. I see a gorgeous woman that causes me to loose my breath. My face turns red and my heart beat goes a little faster. Now a few things happen. Either it is a situation where this woman is someone I will be working with so I know there will be future conversations or she is someone I see at store or the movie theater and this will be the only time I ever see her. What do I do? If I will be working with her I wait. If I will only see her once I DO NOTHING! That’s right. Nothing. My nerves come undone. I just cannot bring myself to go through with approaching her. I hate that my face turns red. That I get nervous. My voice becomes unstable and jittery. I go from John Wayne to Rick Moranis' character in Ghostbusters. This is not the behavior of a cool guy. I would like to keep my cool. A million thoughts go through my head. Will she say yes? Will she laugh in my face? Will she be flattered? Will I get slapped? Maybe she wants to kiss me before she even knows my name. Maybe she will punch me so hard she’ll knock my teeth out. What if she nuts? What if she thinks I’m nuts? What if she kicks me in my nuts? On top of all that I spent the better part of my years with a ton of self-hatred. Why wouldn't she not hate me?” How can I possibly think that this beautiful woman would have one good thought about me?” Now, by the time I am finished going through this thought process I have given up on actually asking her out and I just walk away.
If I know the woman then it becomes worse. This time I learn about her. I develop a crush perhaps. I think crush is the perfect word to describe these feelings because in the end I will be CRUSHED! Now with this situation time goes by and feelings grow. It seems inevitable that I will ask her out but I don’t. It is more difficult then asking a stranger out. With a stranger you don’t know each other. You are only going on pure attraction. When it is someone you know the risks are greater. If she says no it only causes embarrassment and pain. Why go through that? Now I have always waited too long anyways. I’m talking a year or longer. When I finally get the nerve it is just to late. She found someone else, got sick of me, or went into hiding. Usually those last two happen within a few months of knowing me. Then pathetic me will slunk my shoulders and walks away like a tiny mouse. A few days later I decide " That's it I am a new man." I become more angry at the world, rough around the edges, and really hate all romance movies and anything involving couples. Then I pray someone new will come along quickly so that I can completely forget the other person even existed and start the whole stupid annoying process again!
This whole dating process simply sucks. So what do I do? Repeat this process over and over again? I’m tired. So, I will not go through it. No I won’t. What I will do is let the woman make the first move for a change. If she likes me and wants to get to know me better or take things to the next level then come on baby I’m waiting! She can make the first effort to get my attention. She can fret over having to make those phone calls. She can turn red with her heart beating fast when she wants to ask me out. She can go through all the emotional hell of “Does he like me?, Has he ever noticed me?, Will he say yes?, What if he says no? Should I call him or does he hate me? Will he have an excuse for being unable to talk,? Such as I’m washing my hair or I'm leaving the country for two years” Now of course this will never happen and this is why I will remain single until the day I die. Oh the joy of being me!
There is nothing I hate more than asking a woman out. It is by far the most awkward thing I could possibly do. I would rather stick my head into a very large pot filled with icy cold tomato sauce then to go through this horrible process.
A few years ago I pretty much gave up. The last woman went completely nuts on me. At first she was kind, sweet, generous, very funny, and remarkably beautiful. I asked her out, she said yes, a year later she still could not settle on a time. She spent the proceeding year flirting with me. Finally I had the perfect opportunity for an actual date, a music concert! Billy Joel and Elton John together in concert. Great! What a great first date this would make. Just days before the concert she backed out. Okay, she’s not ready. I wish she had told me sooner but I wasn’t going to get angry, I was, however, a little disappointed.. Now flash forward to just a few days later and I don’t know what happened but she snapped. Suddenly I was looking at the Devil himself. She became extremely hostile, very difficult, mean, obnoxious, rude, full of anger, and would insult me. To her friends she would make rude comments about me. I was in shock by this behavior. I had never seen a person unravel like this and so quickly. That was when I had enough. No more. I pretty much told her I never wanted to talk or look at her again. She was so twisted that I could no longer see the beauty, only beast. I was now through with dating and seeking out the right woman.
I have never been a guy who likes to date one woman after another. I am looking for that one special woman. If I find that right person then I want to stay with her. Now the pig inside me, that lives within all men, would love to date hundreds of hot women and really live it up. I however can not do this. I have been implanted with that damn thing called morals. Thanks Mom and Dad! Really, thanks for nothing! I would like to commit to one woman. Getting to that woman is not easy.
It all starts with attraction. I see a gorgeous woman that causes me to loose my breath. My face turns red and my heart beat goes a little faster. Now a few things happen. Either it is a situation where this woman is someone I will be working with so I know there will be future conversations or she is someone I see at store or the movie theater and this will be the only time I ever see her. What do I do? If I will be working with her I wait. If I will only see her once I DO NOTHING! That’s right. Nothing. My nerves come undone. I just cannot bring myself to go through with approaching her. I hate that my face turns red. That I get nervous. My voice becomes unstable and jittery. I go from John Wayne to Rick Moranis' character in Ghostbusters. This is not the behavior of a cool guy. I would like to keep my cool. A million thoughts go through my head. Will she say yes? Will she laugh in my face? Will she be flattered? Will I get slapped? Maybe she wants to kiss me before she even knows my name. Maybe she will punch me so hard she’ll knock my teeth out. What if she nuts? What if she thinks I’m nuts? What if she kicks me in my nuts? On top of all that I spent the better part of my years with a ton of self-hatred. Why wouldn't she not hate me?” How can I possibly think that this beautiful woman would have one good thought about me?” Now, by the time I am finished going through this thought process I have given up on actually asking her out and I just walk away.
If I know the woman then it becomes worse. This time I learn about her. I develop a crush perhaps. I think crush is the perfect word to describe these feelings because in the end I will be CRUSHED! Now with this situation time goes by and feelings grow. It seems inevitable that I will ask her out but I don’t. It is more difficult then asking a stranger out. With a stranger you don’t know each other. You are only going on pure attraction. When it is someone you know the risks are greater. If she says no it only causes embarrassment and pain. Why go through that? Now I have always waited too long anyways. I’m talking a year or longer. When I finally get the nerve it is just to late. She found someone else, got sick of me, or went into hiding. Usually those last two happen within a few months of knowing me. Then pathetic me will slunk my shoulders and walks away like a tiny mouse. A few days later I decide " That's it I am a new man." I become more angry at the world, rough around the edges, and really hate all romance movies and anything involving couples. Then I pray someone new will come along quickly so that I can completely forget the other person even existed and start the whole stupid annoying process again!
This whole dating process simply sucks. So what do I do? Repeat this process over and over again? I’m tired. So, I will not go through it. No I won’t. What I will do is let the woman make the first move for a change. If she likes me and wants to get to know me better or take things to the next level then come on baby I’m waiting! She can make the first effort to get my attention. She can fret over having to make those phone calls. She can turn red with her heart beating fast when she wants to ask me out. She can go through all the emotional hell of “Does he like me?, Has he ever noticed me?, Will he say yes?, What if he says no? Should I call him or does he hate me? Will he have an excuse for being unable to talk,? Such as I’m washing my hair or I'm leaving the country for two years” Now of course this will never happen and this is why I will remain single until the day I die. Oh the joy of being me!